Ok. I used to drink a lot. Like A LOT. One of the side effects is sleeping with my eyes open. It happened all the time. More than once I woke up with grit or and eyelash stuck to my eyeball.
The first couple of times I just went to A&E (ER for the americoins). They usually washed it out with eyewash. Once I had to wear an eye patch and they gave me really thick ointment to put on for a while.
Anyway I kept drinking……and er….other stuff and it kept happening. I thought I was an expert and once I used an eyebath I found and some saline to flush out some dirt.
It happens again. I live remotely and everyone is on holiday. It a remote hotel and I’m left as the caretaker. Proper Jack Torrance stuff. Been drinking alone etc.
Anyway. I’m still really drunk so the hour plus drive to hospital is out of the question.
There’s no saline in the first aid box BUT there is a brand new Henry hoover. Still boxed up sitting in the deserted reception.
I decide to set it up. I get some gauze. It starts snowing. Important.
I decide to hold the gauze over my eyeball with one hand and flick the hoover on with my right foot holding the nozzle in my other hand.
So far so good. I get it closer and it does EXACTLY the same thing as when you put the vacuum nozzle on your jeans.
FWUUUMP. The gauze is gone and my eyeball is pulled half out of the socket.
I fucking nearly shit myself. Somehow my foot finds the switch. I pull the hose off and my eyeball is sticking out about an inch. I can see but it’s distorted and painful.
Panic sets in but after ten or fifteen minutes it seem to be going back in of its own accord. I still cant see properly and when I try to close that eye its covered in bits of gauze.
Eventually I decided to call nhs24. They take an hour to call me back and the doctor i speak to says they are actually going to send an ambulance.
I wait and half an hour later they call back and tell me its an air ambulance and ask where they can land it.
And thats how I got airlifted to hospital trying hoover grit out of my eyeball.
I had a black eye for weeks and it took about the same amount of time for my vision to go back to normal.
Every nurse and doctor on duty came in to look at the fucking moron who hoovered his eyeball.
I got a bollocking before they discharged me.
TL:DR I hoovered my eye because I was a raging imbiber who slept with his eyes open and constantly got grit and hair stuck to them. Air ambulance ensued.
The Archery Range 