i know i’m supposed to educate, educate, educate. that nonviolence and pleading and praying and explaining until my tongue turns numb is the face of activism as it stands. that my rage would deny my message. that lashing out would invalidate my pain. that if i step out of line those who “would have” listened are suddenly against me.
“congrats,” he says on facebook, “i was an ally. i see now that gay people are just as awful as everyone said. hope you burn in hell.”
he’s replying to a comment that said “straight people are crazy”.
we kneel, we’re disrespectful. we rally, we’re rioting. we speak out and we’re sent death threats. it’s very tiring to always have to be quiet. it’s very tiring when they like you being quiet, because it makes it easy for you to be ignored. i’m just a voice on the internet, what do i know about anything? just the other day a man sent me a message telling me i was “a bullying selfish bitch”. i mean a personal direct message that was hostile and invasive.
that’s the thing. i’m supposed to turn the other cheek. that i take literal violence against me and my kind and make the best of it. please don’t hit me. please don’t kill me. if i shout you down, i’m asking for it. i don’t know. i’ve been abused before. maybe that’s why it’s not unfamiliar as an idea. the fist comes down if i ask too loudly. when i’m complaining i’m whining. that the best way to my abuser’s heart is just to be good and kind and get out by living.
the thing is that there’s no changing an abuser. they only realize they’re abusive when another person they respect tells them it’s true. my voice means nothing to them until then. i’m just tired. i’m tired of every single post begging for people to listen, and every single person who ignores it. i’m tired. i’m tired. the people who are against me aren’t here to be educated, they’re not here to debate in gentle terms, they’re here to destroy me.
how do i get it back. how do i believe in other people again. how do i learn how to sit quietly and do my best. how do i change the minds of people who question if i’m even a person. and why is that my job.
“male tears?” he writes, “fuck women. what have men ever done to you? i hope a man puts you in your place one day.”
I once told a joke about a straight person.
They came after me in droves.
Each one singing the same stanza
Don’t fight fire with fire.*
What they mean is: Don’t fight fire with anything.
Do not fight fire with water.
Do not fight fire with foam.
Do not evacuate the people.
Do not sound the alarms.
Do not crawl coughing and choking and spluttering to safety.
Do not barricade the door with damp towels.
Do not wave a white flag out of the window.
Do not take the plunge from several storeys up.
Do not shed a tear for your lover trapped behind a wall of flame.
Do not curse the combination of fuel, heat, and oxygen.
Do not ask why the fire fighters are not coming.*
When they say: Don’t fight fire with fire.
What they mean is: Stand and burn.Stand and Burn by Claudia Boleyn.
The Archery Range 